7 May 2010

The Business with Bank Alts

We love our bank alts. We give them funny names and place them in vanity guilds. We kit them out in fine clothing, almost treating them as digital dolls. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if your bank alt took on a personality? It’s something I decided to try out with mine, with unexpected results. I introduce to you Sir Roffles Roundshield!

Yes, I am sure that you have travelled a terribly long way today. I appreciate that my Secret underground Lair here in the Swamp of Sorrows can be ghastly to get to, despite the signposts I’ve arranged to be erected outside. You see, good business is hard to come by these days. What with the ooze shortage and every local dinghy commandeered we seem to be in quite a pickle these days.

Quite a pickle.

Anyhow, allow me to introduce myself. I am Sir Roffles Roundshield, erstwhile proprietor of the Roundshield Fiscal Management Service, Murloc Express Delivery (We deliver before you can say Glaargblarrgblargh) and the long-term storage business My Big Box Is Holy. Quite a portfolio, don’t you think? I agree, being a Paladin in Lord Uther’s service was quite something, but after the terrible accident and medical discharge, the call of industry was too strong to ignore!

What, you’re not here for this? Well, let’s see what else I can interest you in…

How about the hire of my Private Murloc Army? A team of highly skilled Murlocs, trained in everything¬† from high-impact parcel ballistics through to cave excavations and management. I even have a platoon kitted out in the latest Goblin steam-armours and weapons. I’m promised they’ll be able to hit a target from ten paces any week now!

Not the Murloc Army? Hrm…

How about my Cheese Sculpting Correspondence Course? It’ll train you how to carve everything from the humblest of truckles up to a scale model of Dalaran itself! If you’ve ever fancied yourself as a bit of an Archimonde just pull on your boots and jump right in! Of course, I can’t guarantee that you’ll have any effect on the fair city itself, but the momentary delusion can be quite satisfying. Yours in monthly installments for only fifty gold pieces.

Not the Cheese either? Well, what else could it be?

Wait… you’re not here about the Marmalade… are you?

You mean you haven’t heard?

Well, you my friend are in luck! A chance to invest at the ground floor, so to speak!

You see, I’d sent my team of Surveying Murlocs out to investigate nearby Elwyn for resources. Running a Private Murloc Army isn’t cheap you know, so we were looking for ways to supplement our income. I remember that it was just after breakfast when Lurky came up to me with a map of Stormwind. The information that he showed me was startling. A seam of Marmalade, running right under the Cathedral! Of course I need to secure a few mining permits, but I’m sure that the Archbishop will be only to happy to let me dig a few holes underneath. Besides, it could provide a surplus of catacombs!

You’re not interested? Sure I can’t tempt you?

So what did bring you here, exactly?

You wanted directions to Nethergarde Keep? Really, my good man, you waste my precious time! Holding me to account, only to squander my company like this! Good day, SIR!

Lurky, show this ruffian out! And don’t roll your eyes at me like that!

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3 Responses to The Business with Bank Alts

  1. Pilfkin says:

    I’m loving this… confused as hell by it (and certain that there are a boxful of references which have sailed clear over my head) but loving it. Not what I thought you meant when you were discussing writing about bank alts…!
    .-= Pilfkin´s last blog ..Designer Darkness =-.

    • Gazimoff says:

      Oops, I missed off the introductory paragraph that explains what the post is about. That’ll teach me to use copypasta…

  2. Jaedia says:

    Haha, can’t help but imagine a Willy Wonka style: I said, GOOD DAY!
    .-= Jaedia´s last blog ..On Cataclysm Spoilers (safe) =-.